I'm a sick, sad, 21 year old child

As I write this I am laying on my living room couch under a tinkerbell comforter wearing my wool booties, over sized pajama pants and long sleeved Grateful Dead tee. I am still freezing to the point that the intensity of my goosebumps is painful. Further solidifying the concerning nature of my current state would be the heating pad under my aching legs that, in spite being adjusted to the highest level of heat it offers, is doing little to warm me or relieve my pain.
So it appears that I am sick. Which only means one thing: Kevin is screwed.
When I'm sick I have a nasty (though I consider it at least equally endearing...but I may be alone on this) habit of regressing in a big way. Cartoons, popsicles, stuffed animals, having meals cooked for me, getting my pillows fluffed and temperature taken, and many more childish requests are required to be filled as a part of my bedside care. As my fiance, best friend, betrothed, and frequent caregiver, these requirements fall upon Kevin to be filled. And of course, he supplies me with all of these services with little question. He is a saint, and I am unspeakably lucky.
Lately, as much as I hate to admit it, I have been a little stressed out by the idea of literature as a whole. I think I have spent so much time reading super critically and analyzing books that it has been a while since I took the time to enjoy literature from the perspective of the average reader. This perspective is a very important one to me. I never want to lose the feeling books give me so that I don't forget why I fell in love with literature in the first place...its that feeling that I ultimately would like to give my readers one day.
So on account of my illness and childlike tendencies, I have decided to finally reread the entire Harry Potter series. However, do expect some Harry Potter themed blogs, as I doubt I'll be able to keep from analyzing what I'm reading for too long. God, I don't know why anyone finds me interesting, but I'm so glad they do.

I'm starting with the overweight vampire in the mirror

So lately I've been thinking a lot about making the world a better place. With the recent election and my attendance at two Paper Towns tour/Tour deNerdfighting stops, its been hard to think of anything else. And it seems that a whole bunch of things in my own life are calling for a change. And so in the hopes of one day soon moving on to bigger, more worldly matters, I am beginning to improve as much as is in my control.
This suck-overhaul has begun with improving my physical and mental health. The first step was to end my two year dependency on over-the-counter ibuprofen. For nearly 24 months I have self-medicated chronic headaches with 2400mg of ibuprofen daily. This bizarre display of a frighteningly addictive personality has given me regular stomach aches, digestive problems, and I have no doubt, pissed off my kidneys. And so one week ago I dropped the habit, only allowing myself occasional 400mg doses in order to ween my body off of the drug. At first I dealt with fevers and aches as I was going through physical withdrawals, but everyday I have woken up feeling better than I had the day before.
I am also working to cut back on my daily tobacco intake. My pack-pack & 1/2 a day habit is slowly decreasing to a half a pack-15 cigarettes a day. I would ideally like to plateau at a half a pack a day because the truth is I'm not really ready to quit yet. However in a couple years I know I will need to quit (the wedding, babies, the oncoming need to take better care of myself as I age) and I would like it to be easier to do so then than it would be right now.
Next on the to do list would be correcting my sleeping, eating, and exercise habits. I am currently averaging 8 1/2 hours of sleep every 24 hours, which is great. The problem is that those 8 1/2 hours usually occur somewhere between 4am and 6pm. Clearly this sleep schedule needs to change for a whole myriad of reasons. Sleeping like this interferes with my body's natural rhythm, affecting digestion, energy, and my immune system. Not to mention the fact that continuing to sleep when I do would prohibit me from holding a job or going to school or keeping any kind of productive lifestyle. This sort of habit can seriously mess with my brain chemistry as well, something I am very aware of seeing as I have both generalized anxiety disorder and bi-polar disorder. And so over the next week I intend to train my body to fall asleep by 3am and wake by 11:30am. This way I can enjoy full days with the the Living, improve my health, and have a routine that easily adjusts to allow for earlier mornings and more productive days. Plus it'll get my mom to stop calling me a vampire. Vampires are very cool, but I'd prefer to be labeled one because of my super-human agility or my bad ass wardrobe.
It shouldn't be surprising that I have also fallen into bad habits when it comes to food and exercise. For a long time I've been eating whatever I want, whenever I want, as much as I want. This has meant fried clam strips at 1 am, a half a bag of Doritos at 8 pm. I rarely eat healthy food at healthy times. This needs to change. It wont be easy...nobody will deny my love affair with fried seafood, cheese, or chocolate. But with the wedding in less than two years, the need to support and sustain a baby's life with my body a few years after that, and my own need to be in better shape, I'm going to stop filling my face with crap. Why I have resolved to do so right before the holidays is any ones guess.
And in terms of exercise, I wont even publicize how long its been since I have seen the inside of a gym. Lets just say that its a good thing that I plan to be working off this Christmas feast, because I certainly didn't work off last years. I'm going to start with taking walks around my neighborhood before I show off my dazzlingly lackluster work out abilities at Planet Fitness. The goal is to be a size 10 by the wedding. Wish me luck and hide the snacks. This is gonna suck, but I'll take the small suck of having to get my fat ass in gear now over the huge suck of like, heart failure in the future.
After the physical improvements come the economic and academic ones. I am currently applying for jobs and by fall 2009 I plan to re enroll in college. Aiding to these plans will be the acquiring of a driver's license, which at 21, I have yet to do. The fear of driving and of motor vehicles as a whole has sort of proven to be the last great battle between myself and my anxiety. As my mental health has improved I have found myself capable of much more than I once thought, but driving is still something I have a lot of reservations about. The truth is, anxiety or no anxiety, I pretty much suck at controlling a car. But its time to grow up and that means fighting this last crippling fear. I will be able to get to work and school with the help of Kevin and the occasional friend or family member but soon enough I will need to be self-sufficient. And so with the transition into employment and studies I will be practicing my parallel parking and looking for affordable, gas saving cars.
I have also promised myself that from here on out my occupational and academic pursuits will all be related to the selling, writing, reading, discussing, reviewing, recommending, teaching, and overall appreciation of books. I am only applying to book stores for my part-time college job, and I have settled on an English major. However, in terms of temporary employment, I may have to break this promise to myself on account of the low hiring rates seen just about everywhere these days. I might find myself sacrificing my book store dreams in pursuit of steady cash, the only thing in the world it seems I need right now more than literature.
Amongst the big goals on my plate is a garnishing of small ones. I need some new clothes, I need to finish reading Sparksflyup and watching B2.0 videos, I need to write more, I need to finally settle on the plans for my first novel, I need to email John Green, I need to clean my house, I need to do more laundry, I need to go Christmas shopping, I need to call my grandma, I need to plan my vacation to Vermont, I need to buy two friends of mine birthday presents, I need more books (I always need more books), I need to pick up face wash and razors.
Its easy to get overwhelmed by all of it, which is why I need to remind myself of the suck I'll see down the road if I don't fix these things now.
Still, focusing so much on oneself can get exhausting, even for me. That's when worldsuck comes in. Worldsuck, (the long list of things in our world that could do with a great deal of attention and improvement) in the end, is more important than me fitting into my wedding dress. And so added to my to-do list have been goals like reducing the amount of water and electricity I use, buying recycled and organic goods, reducing the amount of garbage I create, and finding ways to contribute to organizations the help decrease worldsuck like Save the Children and First Book. Its time for me and everyone else to start living with conscientiousness when it comes to our planet, our country, our children, our rights. For me this means living in ways that help conserve our energy and resources, donating money to important charities, and informing others about issues that they can help. I want to be a better nerdfighter, and I want to be a better person. And I know that there a plenty little and big things I can do to make sure that happens.
I really do believe that in order to make the world a better place you have to start at home, so that is what I will do. I'm becoming a grown up and with that comes grown up responsibilities. So ya know, I think its about time I learn to drive.

a questionnaire from the great bernard pivot

1. What is your favorite word? verisimilitude, lexicographer

2. What is your least favorite word? faggot

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? books

4. What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally? ignorance, people who breed ignorance in their children

5. What sound or noise do you love? pages turning, wood burning, music

6. What sound or noise do you hate? crying

7. What is your favorite curse word? fuck, in all of the wonderful forms you can find it

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? i am going to eliminate the answers of high school English teacher or author because i intend to claim those both as occupations. so the answer is high school drama director

9. What profession would you not like to do? anything in food service

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? that i'll get to be with everyone i love when they get there too

The hobbies of a chronic narcissist.

Surveys...something to do when you when you want to talk about you. God I love surveys.

1. FIRST NAME? Lindsay, though I like to go by my first and middle name, Lindsay Rae.

2. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Sort of. I was named Lindsay simply because my mom liked it. Rae is her mother, my grandmother's name, but she goes by her middle name, Sharon. So I like her name a whole lot more than she does.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Today. I watched Jon & Kate's 5 daughters get pedicures and it was unbearably cute. I am currently battling a serious bout of baby fever.

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? When I write slowly its not too bad. A little girlie. Ya know how often you can correctly determine someones gender from their handwriting? Strange.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Olive loaf. But I don't eat it on sandwiches, I like it on its own. Liverwurst too. I was rarely asked to trade lunches at school.

6. KIDS? None yet, but I'm a BIG fan. Kev and I would like to have four.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so. Generally I prefer friends who share my basic values, so obviously I'd want to be friends with myself for that reason. But I'd probably find myself a bit pretentious and condescending. I'd probably give myself a fair amount of attitude.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? I do. I use it to write typical journal entries as well as ideas for writing projects. I'm not very good at writing frequently as I would like, though.

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? Nooooooo. Neeeeeever. Yes.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes, but I rarely use them.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Absolutely not. I'm not a huge fan of heights, or taking wildly unnecessary risks with my life.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? This kinda rare corn flake vanilla nut cereal, I think Kellogg makes it. I haven't found it since Kevin and I were still living in Manhattan.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? I rarely wear shoes that tie, but when I do, no. Once you get them tied so that they're that perfect fit, why mess with it?

14. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Emotionally, I am a lot stronger than I once was. Physically? Oh heeeell no.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Probably Ben & Jerry's Half Baked.

16. SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2 - 8

17. RED OR PINK? Pink, though I've been told I look better in red.

18. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I wish I was more motivated and more confident in my abilities, especially in terms of writing.

19. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I miss Becca a lot since she moved out.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? Ideally all of my friends would start blogs and fill it out themselves!

21. WHAT COLOR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? I'm wearing navy blue PINK boyfriend sweats and navy blue & white knit wool slipper booties that I LOVE.

22. Who is your favorite writer/book/movie? John Green/Looking For Alaska/When Harry Met Sally.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Kevin watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 before he goes to bed.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Green. Strangely enough, I love the color green, but it is probably not my favorite color, or at least the one I find most aesthetically pleasing. But green is the color of my eyes, my menthol cigarettes, money (and I do like money), grass, leaves, its the last name of my favorite author. I like green. Its a good color.

25. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE SMELLS? Pumpkin, pine, lavender, Kevin's old spice deodorant, fire.

26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE ON THE PHONE WITH? Megan, as usual.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Their hair. I'm picky about a guys hair. Luckily hair is usually something one can control as opposed to say, eye color.

28. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Actually, I shamelessly copy & pasted this survey from Sparksflyup.com. So if I might rephrase the question to DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHOSE BLOG YOU STOLE THIS FROM? Why yes, I enjoy everything I know of John Green.

29. FAVORITE DRINK? Chocolate Milk. Easily.

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Football. GOOOOOO BIG BLUE!

32. EYE COLOR? Green as stated above, though they could be greener. Sometimes they're the color of baby poop, which I could do without.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Pitifully crazy-glued together glasses.

34. FAVORITE FOOD? Lobster Bisque by the bucket full.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? I love scary movies and unhappy endings. If a movie makes me scream or cry, I usually enjoy it.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Blow, for the first time. Not bad, and Johnny Depp's always a good thing.

37. COLOR OF SHIRT YOU ARE WEARING? Tie-dyed, which will be surprising to absolutely no one.

38. WINTER OR SUMMER? Generally winter. I'm a big fan of sweaters and scarves.

39. HUGS OR KISSES? Who would ever make you choose?

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? Homemade fudge with lots of milk.

41. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? My bets are on one of the younger crew.

42. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Everyone.

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I'm halfway through "The Patron Saint of Pigs" by Lauren Myracle from Let It Snow. After that I think it may finally by Markus Zusak's The Book Thief.

44. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Honestly? Kittens. I fucking love kittens.

46. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? The Redskins/Cowboys game.

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, though I like both.

48. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? Orlando & Naples Florida when I was 8. I hope to go further.

49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? Depends on your definition of the word "talent". Like, I can roll my tongue. I can recite the rap from TLC's Waterfalls in under 30 seconds. I can sing alright. And I'd like to say I can write.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Thursday, October 8, 1987 in St. Vincent's Hospital, Bridgeport, CT.

i love knowing people who don't suck.

Thanks everyone who has started reading my blog!!! Tell your friends! I promise this thing is gonna get good!!!

Practice makes hopefully reasonable success

Two days ago Kevin installed our wireless internet, initiating a reconciliation between myself and my long estranged laptop. With this reunion has come a world of possibilities, both narcisstic and obsessive. I can now check my facebook dozens of times a day, catch up on B2.0 & Sparksflyup, and ramble to my little hearts content with this new blog.
With my newly acquired technology however, has come a whole new bundle of insecurities. The truth is I don't know how or when I'll be, or at least feel like a good writer. And now that I plan to write regularly in a public forum, I find myself shaking in my story-tellin' boots.
The embarrassing truth is that lately I have held myself to what is probably a premature standard: The John Green standard. This means two things. 1) I super-double wish that my writing was good enough that if my favorite author were to read it, he wouldn't feel bad for me. 2) I super-triple wish that one day I'll actually really publish a novel that holds up with the likes of his three books. I don't think its wrong to aspire to greatness, but such greatness intimidates the shit out of me.
My hope is that as this blog continues my writing will improve, if for no other reason than the steady practice. So wish me luck, I'm starting something new. Whether the results are brilliant or disastrous, I suppose I've got to give myself credit for trying.

say my name, bitch

In honor of the central reason for my blog's name, this blog comes to you in the form of an iterview between myself...and myself.

Q. So, whats with the name?

A. Its a quote from my favorite book, Looking for Alaska by John Green. The full quote is, "After all this time, it still seems to me like straight and fast is the only way out--but I choose the labyrinth. The labyrinth blows, but I choose it."

Q. And what made you choose that specific reference?

A. I'm so glad you asked. This novel contains a group of characters that I relate to deeply. I had a tough year 2007, a mental breakdown of sorts, and Looking for Alaska fell into my lap at a turning point for me. A point where I was ultimately deciding whether I was going to get better or stay sick. Getting better meant a lot of work and staying sick meant a lot of nothing. I chose the labyrinth.

Q. Why is Looking for Alaska your favorite book?

A. A huge part of that is what I stated above. Being a young person who has dealt with mental illness and thoughts of suicide on top of all the daily horrors of being a teenager/college kid, Looking for Alaska impacted me in a really personal way. I don't want to give up the plot too much because I really think that people should experience the story on their own. There are a bunch of different elements in the novel that spoke to me: the adoration and loving of the idea of someone more than the actual someone themselves; the insecurities and recklessness of youth; infatuation with someone out of reach; feelings of trust and guilt; the desire for a life unknown; questions about life and death and the value of both; forgiveness. Life goes on, and you can live it or not live it. When I wanted to not live it, I read Looking for Alaska and it reminded me that though life (or the labyrinth) blows, its worth it. The book made me excited about the labyrinth again.

Say It Agaaaain!

9-1 Babaaaay Saaay IT Agaaaain!! GO G-MEN!!!

I hate starting new things.

I am always intimidated by the beginnings of things. Especially as a writer. Whether you've written a novel or a book report, you'll probably agree that most times the hardest part is gettting over the hurdle of that first sentence. And I would venture to say that this first-thought-phenomena is entirely self-induced. Its not that the beginning of a project is the most difficult part, necessarily. Its that before we really start the writing process we have all the oppurtunity in the world to doubt ourselves without the reassurance of a steady set rhythm and tone.

A year ago I made the decision to finally go ahead and pursue professional writing. My intentions are to eventually become a young adult fiction author. For as long as I can remember I have been writing, and from what I've been told, writing reasonably well. More important than any talent I may or may not obtain however, may be the sense of fulfillment I feel from writing. Its not easy, and I have SO much to learn. And as I've stated, I hate starting new things. But new things become old things after theyre started, and I am someone who appreciates the comfort of the old. Perhaps soon this blog along with all of my other recently ventured writing pursuits will feel as warm and familiar as an old sweatshirt.

In truth, every journey begins with a single step, every story with a single word. If I don't start now, I fear I never will. I may hate starting new things, but this an old dream, too comforting and close to ever give up.